Leaving an abusive relationship can be as frightening as staying with a partner who abuses you. Where will you go? How can you support yourself? Who can help you escape you abuser? These are all questions likely to be running through your mind. Holland Family Law offers some advice on leaving an abusive relationship safely and escaping domestic abuse…
How you can leave an abusive relationship safely
If you’re in immediate danger then you must contact the police straight away to protect yourself. However, it may be the case that you have some time to plan your actions and think about what you’re going to do, and what you will need.
I’d advise you to pack an “emergency bag” and keep that somewhere to hand but discreet. Pack items such as a change of clothes, medication and even your passport and those of your children including their birth certificates so you have these to hand if you need to get out quickly.
Having a few items and appropriate paperwork with you is one less thing to worry about. If you are feeling under threat, you can grab your emergency bag and head straight for the door.
You also need to work out where you are going once you take that step, to family, friends or to a refuge. Women’s Aid can signpost you to local refuges and services so you can access support.
How do you know if you’re in an abusive relationship?
Believe it or not many people can be victims of coercive and controlling relationships for years – decades even – and not really know it. But then there will be a flashpoint which makes you realise that, no, this is not okay. Often that happens when the behaviour switches from you to your children.
What you should tell yourself is that an adult relationship, whether it’s a man and woman or same sex, is a 50/50 partnership. If for any reason your partner isn’t sharing everything, for example if they won’t let you access a joint bank account, then that’s a red flag.
Similarly, if they can’t let you go out on your own, or are constantly putting you down and undermining your confidence, then you have a problem.
How can you help a friend that you think is in an abusive relationship?
If you truly believe your friend might be in an abusive relationship and suffering domestic abuse, then don’t turn a blind eye. Speak to them alone and see if they open up about what is happening, even if it makes things awkward.
I would urge people to go to the Women’s Aid website (womensaid.org.uk) and research the wealth of resources they have to help you feel empowered to grasp the nettle and have those difficult conversations.
What resources can you turn to if you think you’re in an abusive relationship?
As mentioned above, the Women’s Aid website is an invaluable source of information and advice. As well as having general information they also hold details for regional support services all over the UK, so will be able to signpost you to a local contact.
Another great resource is an app called Bright Sky. This lets people keep notes of their experiences and gather evidence of the abuse. It also signposts local support services and has a questionnaire you can take to assess the level of abuse.
Bear in mind that coercive and controlling behaviour is classed as domestic abuse, so all the support and resources for those crimes are open to you too. Local authorities, GP surgeries and other community health organisations are all trained to deal with these situations, so use those resources.
How can do you explain to your children that you’re leaving their father/mother because they’re abusive?
Women’s Aid has specialist counsellors to help children, and runs regular workshops specifically to address this concern. GP services too can help you through this process. As hard as it might be, it can be even more damaging for children to witness domestic abuse – even the non-violent kind – and assume it’s “normal” behaviour.
It’s a cliché but children really are sponges, they absorb everything they see and hear and you have to ask yourself do you really want them growing and maturing with an abusive, controlling adult as their example?
Do abusive relationships only affect women?
No, far from it. At Holland Family Law we see many, many clients who are men, or same sex couples, and are finding their lives blighted by controlling partners.
There’s a fantastic charity specifically for men, called the Mankind Initiative (mankind.org.uk) which provides all the information required to assess the level of abuse and practical steps to take to leave an abusive relationship safely.
