It’s sad, but domestic abuse sufferers often feel a deep, yet unwarranted, sense of shame. Many people subjected to abuse think that they are somehow responsible for the actions of their abuser. Consequently, sufferers are afraid to speak up and seek support. It’s time to end the cycle of shame and domestic violence.
One of the patterns of domestic abuse is that the perpetrator will often blame the victim for their actions. It’s not uncommon for perpetrators to use lines like, “look what you made me do,” “you had that coming,” or “you only have yourself to blame,” and more, when trying to justify their behaviour.
Shame and domestic violence differ depending on cultural contexts
However, the reasons behind shame and domestic violence tend to differ according to cultural contexts.
For example, in cultures where women are ‘expected’ to be submissive, those experiencing abuse will feel a sense of shame for failing to live up to their partner’s expectations and believe that abuse is a result of failing in their duties as a partner.
One of the most common ways abusers force their victims into a spiral of shame is through gaslighting, where an abuser tries to control their victim by twisting their sense of reality. Gaslighting destroys a person’s trust in the themselves and others, while affecting their ability to make decisions and act freely.
Unfortunately, a higher proportion of women suffer some form of domestic abuse than men. The broader perception within society is that ‘women do something to provoke abuse’. Society tells women that they are to blame. This forces women suffering abuse into silence, shame and disgrace, too afraid to speak up for fear of being doubted or vilified.
Ending the cycle of shame and domestic abuse
To end the cycle of shame and domestic abuse, encouragement should be given to those facing abuse to speak out and help break the vicious shaming cycle. For true change to happen, society must do more to give those in abusive relationships the tools to set themselves free from shame.
This can look like safe spaces to have conversations, education, support groups, mentors, role models and more, to help boost a person’s belief in their own self-worth.
Another strategy is to help abuse sufferers to understand that they have a right to their own thoughts, opinions, and emotions helping them to realise that the reality created by their abuser is not a true reflection of their life.
Perhaps the single biggest change society can make is to stop peddling the idea that domestic violence is the victim’s fault. Domestic abuse, in all its forms, is never acceptable. This is a message that needs to be spread through families, communities, workplaces and governments.
Plus, it’s a message that should be included in education, social services, and law enforcement systems.
Last but not least, the fight for better legislation for women suffering domestic abuse must continue.
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